I'm a horrible procratinator

God please help me.

reading in retrospect

i never read as much as i should have.  never seemed to have the time. i never liked to stay still for too long, and often would fall asleep while reading.  i was one of those kids who overwhwelmingly preferred to be outside, running around. i didn't hate reading, though.  i would even consider myself a good reader.  i know i am a good reader because  i am an excellent speller. when i read i would notice and memorize how words were spelled.  and i also enjoyed reading.  sometimes when i read, and i liked what i was reading, i would get so excited that i would get frustrated.  i felt like i knew so much more and yet i couldn't do anything about it.  others hadn't read whatever book it was, so there was no one to talk to, and if i tried, they would obviously be bored by my retelling it.  so i felt there was no point.  i also always felt like i couldn't catch up.  i never really read more than one or two classics, whereas others seem to have read so much more.  that's because they didn't spend as much time playing outside as i did.  the other reason i didn't get to read much was a dislike for my english teachers in high school.  maybe i never developed a true love for books becausel i was too busy disliking the teachers who, i guess in order to drive their points home, would reveal too much stuff about  themselves and what they did back in the sixties, which i thought was gross.  or maybe i hated the literature we studied. as a matter of fact, most of it is depressing.  i also feel that books are just other people's opinions, and they can be just as biased and distorted in their views as me, so what makes them wiser or why would reading it make me wiser.  if i read about some account of an atrocity in africa, will i be a better person, or a person walking around with a heavy heart and disconnected from those around me.  i suppose i could pray for whoever wrote the book or for people described in the book.  but that's a lot of people.  i could be reading a history book, full of accounts of atrocities. i can't possibly pray for all those people.  my grandma used to say i wasn't serious enough, though i was smart.  she worried that i joked around too much.  it was only because i wanted her to laugh.  she was so small and portly and i was this tall gangly girl with frizzy hair.  we used to watch spanish soap operas together, but she would always caution me not to get too into them.  i guess she was afraid i would think she approved of the racy plots if i realized how much she enjoyed them too.  parents and grandparents always want to see their kids succeed.  when you goof around them all the time they get nervous.  they don't see success. but the best thing for me was to make my mother or grandmother laugh.  i don't know why.  anyway, i know i should have read more in retrospect.